Monday, January 9, 2017

The Best is Yet to Come

I think I can speak for a lot of people when I say 2016 was quite the year, in both good ways and bad. For me it was a year of heartache, surgeries, pain, doubt, tears, etc. At moments it felt it was just trial after trial and I couldn't catch a break. But it was also a year of love, happiness, and adventures. But most importantly it was a year of growth, and if I've learned anything about growing, it's that things are going to be a little uncomfortable at times. But even if at times it hurts, it makes you all the better person in the long run.

The whole "resolution" thing was a concept was something that I could never really grasp. I'm the type of person that I feel like I can constant improve and strive to do better and better. So each year I would make this really elaborate list with extensive concepts and swear that I would become a professional in each category. When that doesn't happen, which was almost always because I'm human, I tend to be really hard on myself and find that my resolutions did more harm than good. So I'm over that and I'm trying something new.

So I'm still going to improve on and work on some more basic topics like finances, schooling,  and other big picture things like that. But I decided to focus more on the shorter more day-to-day sort of resolutions and finding the good there instead of trying to stretch it all out for an entire year. Because a good day turns into a good week, which turns into a good month, which turns into a good year. Here is what I decided on and bear with me, because I'm sure they are going to sound a little weird.  But weird can be good sometimes, right?

1. Have more dance parties.
The other day I was hanging out with brad and I was brushing my teeth for some reason (I can't remember why) and suddenly a Whitney Houston song came on Pandora. Next thing I knew, I was dancing around like an idiot and using my toothbrush as a microphone. Brad was laughing and shaking his head at me, but I didn't care if I looked like a crazy person. Instead of going to bed feeling anxious and stressed about everything I had to do or what I was doing wrong in my life, I fell asleep almost immediately and feeling completely relaxed. Too many nights I lay there just staring at the ceiling because my mind wont turn off and I swear I can feel my hair turning gray. Then I start to stress that I'm stressing too much and it's just a vicious cycle. So I have vowed to have more dance parties so I can relax just a little bit and remember that life is pretty great  :)

2. Drink more water
This is actually a huge challenge for me because I am so terrible at drinking water for some random reason. I sip instead of swallow and it takes me hours to get through a water bottle. Brad drinks water like it's going out of style and is probably the most hydrated person I know. Not to mention I got into the terrible habit of drinking energy drinks during late night study sessions and using it for headache relief. I could drink Dr. Pepper for days, but I knew I was heading down a dangerous road, so I am trying my very best to stay away from things loaded with caffeine and sugar. It's only been 9 days and I'm tempted to run to Walmart almost every day, but I'm determined to make it to our wedding without breaking, so wish me luck.

3. Get off of my phone
This has multiple reasons, as well as all of these other points do, and all come together for one big reason. More and more I find myself scrolling through Instagram or Facebook and it's gotten to the point where I'm not even bored, it's just a habit. We will be in the middle of a movie or dinner, and I'll be on my phone again for no reason. It takes me away from the people around me and I end up missing on moments with my friends or taking my attention away from Brad. I want to nip this in the bud because especially as I prepare to get married and start a family with Brad in the next few years, I don't want to miss the cute little moments that we have with our kids because I'm too worried about the amount of likes I got on a post or what's going on with everyone else's life instead of  focusing on my own. It's going to be hard, I'm not going to lie, but I want to make sure that I'm seeing life through my own eyes instead of a screen

4. Center my life on Christ
I've noticed that the less that I incorporate the elements of the Gospel in my life, like scriptures and prayers, the harder things become. I've always been stubborn in the aspect of wanting to do everything myself and my pride often gets in the way of asking others for help. So instead of turning to my Heavenly Father when things got rough, I would try to trudge through the mud myself and ended up dealing with all of the pain. So this year I have decided that is all going to change, especially as I prepare to enter the temple and to be sealed to my future husband. Brad and I have had a couple of long discussions about this and there is nothing we want more than to make sure that our family has a strong foundation and that comes through living the gospel and it's principles. That's the beauty about the LDS faith and something that brings me a lot of comfort; its that you will be blessed for trying and can rely on the strength of Heavenly Father to help you along the way. We are all trying our best to find the right path and we are never left alone. I will be forever grateful that I belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and everything it represents.

There is a point to all four of these points and it's somewhat of a difficult and delicate topic. There are very few people who know this about me, so to those who actually read my blog, I thank you for the bottom of my heart for caring. For almost two years now, I have been struggling with a deadly trio that consists a severe eating disorder, anxiety, and depression. 2016 was the peak of all three of these elements and there were so many nights that I spent crying and feeling so low without knowing why. I tried everything from therapy, to exercising, to verbally pleading myself to feel happier. Brad has been my lifesaver and pulled me from the dark pit that I was in. I will be forever grateful for him and the anchor that he is in my life. There are still many of hard and dark days but that's why I've focused on these four points. Dance parties provide little moments of happiness that help push me through the hard times. Water helps me get into a healthier mindset so I'm not constantly worried about the calories and my weight. Staying off my phone will help me from comparing myself to others and the "perfect" lives they are leading. Comparison is my biggest weakness, so I'm trying to eliminate that source entirely. Centering my life on Christ won't take away the trials and the hard times all together, but it will help me through it and make me stronger.

2016 was a hard year and by hard I mean, it kicked my trash and shoved me in a dumpster. But out of all the darkness and the trials, there was still some light and goodness that came out of it. I grew and learned a lot and it was definitely a turning point in my life. I am forever grateful for  the year that has been termed "the worst" and I know that 2017 is going to be one for the books. Cheers.

Friday, November 11, 2016

The Beginning to Our Forever

I'm still in proposal shock over here and I keep looking at my finger, expecting it not to be there and I wake up from the best dream ever. But my dream ring is still on my finger and I'm still engaged to my dream guy. Everyone was right when they said the right guy will come along and I'm so happy that I waited, because Brad is truly everything I've ever wanted and more! I can't wait to marry him in 113 days, but who's counting right? ;)

Brad  had me completely in the dark this whole time and the surprises kept coming. I knew he had had the ring for quite some time and it was driving me absolutely crazy. I was probably driving him even more crazy because of all the times I asked him when he was going to propose, so eventually he threatened to push the date back even further. I stopped after that, but it was still killing me on the inside. I really try to be, but I'm terrible with surprises and being patient and I'm sure I had Brad second guessing if he wanted to propose to a crazy person like me. But thankfully he hasn't gone running for the hills yet. November 9th, 2016 was the 9 month mark of Brad and I dating, so it was already a special day and he had the surprises starting early. I had an early morning work shift and was getting ready to leave at 5:45 am when I get a text from Brad saying that I should come open the front door. I did just that and there he was, holding a handmade chalkboard (that I've been dying to make for weeks now) and a my favorite picture of us in a gorgeous frame that he made. Fun fact for you, Brad is quite the craftsman and he's already made a coffee table and a headboard out of pallets, which look absolutely amazing. Anyways, needless to say I was completely shocked and thrilled that he had gone to all this time effort to surprise me and make these things for me. That's one of the reasons why I love Brad so much, he is constantly thinking of others and how to make them happy.

I didn't see Brad until later that afternoon around 4:30 because we were taking pictures with the phenomenal (I'm serious, you have to go check out her website) Alexis Foust. She had contacted me about a month ago, asking if Brad and I would model for her again at Castle Manor. Of course I said yes, because who doesn't love gorgeous pictures and the excuse to buy a cute dress?! Little did I know that Brad and Alexis had been planning this from the beginning and kept me in the dark the entire time. I mean, I was secretly hoping that Brad would propose at some point during the shoot, because it would be the perfect moment, but brad kept throwing me off and making sure that I didn't expect a thing. He asked if I wanted to go workout after the shoot and go to Tony's Grove on Saturday, so I had discarded the idea and didn't give it a second thought. I showed up to Castle Manor all ready to get some pictures taken, not knowing that the best night of my life was about to unfold before me.

I arrived at Castle Manor and Alexis and her assistant were waiting for us. Brad wasn't there because he was still at work, but his work was right across the street so he would get there quick. Alexis told me that the inside was locked and she was worried that the owner wouldn't arrive in time. That had me second guessing the whole proposal thing again, so I just pushed it out of my mind and we waited around a little longer until Brad arrived and off we went. We wandered all over the grounds to take pictures, from wrought iron gates to an adorable little bridge behind the building. I love taking pictures with Brad because he's just so fun and I can never keep a serious face, I'm always laughing. The owner finally arrived after 30 minutes or so of us being there and turns out she had sliced her finger open and had to go to the ER! She let us in and we wandered around a little, admiring the lights on the beautiful staircase and all the open space. We went out the balcony to take a few pictures while a few people tried to move tables around so we could get a good shot by the stairs later on. By the time we came back, the natural light was gone and it was too late to get any good shots. By then, I had abandoned all thoughts of a proposal and was just hoping that we could get cafe rio for dinner. The heart wants what the heart wants you guys haha. Alexis suggested we head to the balcony for a few more pictures then call it a night. We got up there and Brad pulled me into a big hug, turing me away from the photographers. I felt his arm move off my back and make a gesture, but I was still thinking of cafe rio and it didn't really connect with me at that moment. He pulled away but still holding me close and started to express his love to me. He said that he couldn't wait to spend eternity with me, but it's when he said, "do you want to start right now?" and got down on one knee that it all made sense! I was still in shock when I heard the words, "Will you marry me?" and then for the first time in my life, I was literally rendered speechless. I remember hearing Alexis and her assistant clicking away on their cameras but all I could do was look at Brad. Tears started to well in my eyes and I finally got the word "Yes!" out and he slipped the most gorgeous ring that I've ever seen in my whole life onto my finger. We had picked out the ring a few weeks previous, but he surprised me with two gorgeous diamond bands on either side and it only added to the beauty. At just like that, we were engaged and I couldn't stop smiling!!

We stayed up on the balcony a little while longer , snapping a few more pictures of us and the ring, basking in the moment. I kept babbling like an idiot, trying to understand what had just happened and kissing brad over and over. We went back downstairs and Brad ran to his car, returning with a gorgeous bouquet of peonies (my favorite flower) and I thought my face was going to split from the massive smile on my face. I didn't think it was possible to love anyone more than I love Brad, but then he called me his fiance and I'm pretty sure my heart was going to burst out of my chest. He said we had to get going because of the dinner reservations that were waiting for us and we jumped in the the car. Something I wasn't expecting though was the stop by the Logan Temple on our way over, but I thought it would be a super cute moment to have for ourselves. We walked around the side and talked about the temple a little bit when suddenly he did the whole pull me into a hug and gesture with his arm again. My first thought was, "What else could there be???" and I turned around to see some of my closest friends, some of whom had traveled hours to be there, rushing towards me. I couldn't believe it!!! I had mentioned to Brad that I would love to have my friends there after we got engaged and he was so sneaky and set the whole thing up. I was so happy to see them and we made to sure to snap a few pictures and talk for a while before heading to Le Nonne, this amazing little Italian place with the best bruschetta that I've ever had. It truly was the best night of my life!

Brad truly made our proposal something out of a fairytale and it's a moment that I'll never forget. He is the most selfless, thoughtful, caring person I know and I can't believe I'm the lucky girl that get's to call him mine. I can't wait to marry my best friend and the guy of my dreams for time and all of eternity. March 4th, 2017 can't come quick enough!!


Wednesday, October 12, 2016

Hello Blog and Goodbye Endometriosis

I think it's pretty obvious to see that I've been neglecting this blog for quite some time now, seeing that my last post was over a year ago.... But that's okay! I've decided to try something new out because no matter how hard I try, I'm sucking hard core at writing in my journal and too many memories that I want to record are slipping away. So I'm going to try and see if I get jump back on the blogging train and see if this works any better. Cross your fingers!

For quite some time now, I've been struggling with something called Endometriosis, which basically is where the tissue lining of your uterus ends up on the outside. Let me tell ya, it's no tea party and hurts like none other. A regular period is something long in the past and no matter how many Midol and ibuprofen I consume, it doesn't make a dent. Not to mention this happens about everything three weeks instead of four, so you can see my desire to get this taken care of. Also, fun fact for ya,  both of my sisters and two of my aunts also have this disease, and all have had the same surgery that I was going to have. So there's that for you. I had been waiting to have this surgery for months because my doctor, Dr. Arrington, is pretty exclusive and it takes a long time to get an appointment with him. We made the initial appointment back in April and I finally got to meet with him at the end of August. Add another month and a half to that and we finally had gotten surgery scheduled! Time flew and the next thing I knew, I was being checked into the hospital and things were getting serious!

I had been on the whole liquid diet since Sunday and I thought I was going to drop, I was absolutely starving!! Plus the world hates me and the my period came 9 DAYS EARLY, so I was getting incredibly excited for that whole part when they knock me out and I get to be unconscious for a little bit. The hospital told me that things usually run behind schedule, but again the world is against me, and we got a call saying that they were ahead of schedule and we needed to get to the hospital as early as we could. Brad, my boyfriend, had made it to Melissa's house right when we had planned and after she stuck baby Devin in the car, we were off! I think Brad could tell that I was pretty nervous because he kept reaching forward and squeezing my hand or rubbing my arm. The biggest surgery I had ever gone through was my wisdom teeth and this was waaaaaaaay bigger than that. I honestly was just afraid he wasn't going to find anything and it was going to be a big waste of time and money. My hands were already shaking and my legs wouldn't hold still. I just wanted to get it over with!

We parked and began walking into the hospital, me clutching brad's hand the entire time and muttering under my breath.  I got all checked in and then we waited until they called me back to start prepping. The nurses were all  sweet though and made sure I felt comfortable and kept me smiling. Then came the time for me to get all gowned up and shiz started to get real! I put all my clothes in a bag and proceeded to don the gown and the socks. But the worst part of the entire thing was trying to pee in the dang freaking cup. They have to do a mandatory pregnancy test and when it comes to peeing under pressure, I just cant do it. I tried for at least 15 minutes before I got the gown on, thinking of rushing water falls and even turned on the faucet. Nothing!!!! Ughhhhhhhhh, it was driving me crazy and that didn't help at all. So the nurse brought me back to the room and they started to put in my IV's. I would take peeing in a cup over that any day, because there is nothing I hate more than needles. They were huge and it took the nurse a while to try and find it because I have wimpy veins to begin with. They put one in the crook of my right elbow, which wasn't too bad, and another closer to my wrist on my left arm. That one had me biting my lip and my eyes glued to the ceiling while Brad kept trying to distract me by making kissing sounds. Once I was done being a human pin cushion, back to the bathroom I went, IV bag and all so I could try and pee again, but alas it wasn't meant to be. I'm pretty sure someone saw my butt at one point because those gowns just don't want to stay closed.  I must have been quite a sight to behold, shuffling through the halls in a huge blue gown, baggy gray socks, an IV bag in one hand connected to multiple needles with tubes running to the floor and me clutching my gown closed in the other. My doctor was ready to get started so they just said they would get the urine sample when they were in there. That's when things started to get crazy and people were all over the place. There was someone sticking wraps around my calfs to keep blood flowing while there was another people taking blood pressure and my respiratory rates. Then more people came in to take about three bottles of blood from me and another to stick my hair in a cap. Dr. Arrington came in with the anesthesiologist and they gave me a quick run down, asking more questions about allergies and any concerns I had. At this point my glasses were off, so everything was just a blur and Brad teased me about my squinting. But finally it was time to go and they wheeled me away to the operating room!

At this point I was pretty quiet, not saying much and trying to take in as much as I could. We got to the operating room and the first thing I thought was, " HOLY CRAP, IT'S FREEZING IN HERE" and I was immediately shaking. The nurses brought me over the the table and shifted me over, making sure I was centered and putting on plenty of blankets. Sensors were stuck on my chest and sides, while the blanket things on my legs were hooked up and I felt those begin to get warm. I kept thinking how crazy it was that there were so many people just for little ol' me! It was a little intimidating for sure!  I was staring at everything around me, at the massive lights and beeping screens, it was a scene right out of Grey's Anatomy!!! That had me fan girling for a little bit haha. They injected the loopy juice and immediately the room began to tilt a little bit. Then a voice above me said it was time for the anesthesia and an oxygen mask was put over my nose and mouth. I took deep breaths and then I was out like a light.

The next thing I remember was my bed being wheeled into a port in the post-op section and more hands and people moving around me. Someone was sticking sensors on my sides again and oxygen tubes were stuck in my nose to make sure I was breathing. My eyes were roaming everywhere, trying to get a grasp of where I was and what was going on. I wasn't loopy or anything, but I was scared and freaking out internally for sure. My throat was aching because of the breathing tube they had stuck down there, so when I started to panic, I made these wheezing sounds and felt like I couldn't breathe. I was absolutely freezing again so I was shaking violently with my knees pulled up closer to my chest to try and combat the pain I felt in my abdomen. A nurse came over and asked about my pain levels, adding more blankets and injecting pain killers into my IV.  I kept checking the clock and trying to calculate how long I was under. I later confirmed it with Missy and I was out for about an hour because Dr. Arrington was very thorough in making sure he got all of the disease. The nurse was back and helped me get a drink of water, asking again how my pain level was now that the pain killers had kicked in. I started out at a seven, but then I was down to a four which was a very pleasant adjustment. I kept asking the nurse how everything had gone and when I could see my family again, in which she replied soon and walked away to get me more water. I was finally on my own and the waterworks began, tears silently streaming down my face. I sat there probably for another ten minutes or so until a different nurse came to wheel me away to a different, more secluded spot. This nurse then proceeded to take off all the sensors and breathing tubes, helping me get up and shuffle to a different chair where more blankets were piled on. My family finally came back to my room and Brad was the first one in the door. Seeing him made me feel so happy/ scared again that I really started to sob and there were no stopping the tears this time. He kissed my forehead and wiped the tears away, saying that he was so proud of me and that everything went great. I honestly am so blessed to have him in my life. He was with me the whole step of the way and I wouldn't want anyone else by my side. Missy and Shaun came in a little bit after him and the nurse let me relax a little bit, making sure I got some food inside of me. Brad scooted a chair over to my bedside, holding my hand and rubbing my leg. After accomplishing a checklist of things like keeping food down and making sure I got my pain meds, I was able to get back into my regular clothes and they helped me into a wheelchair and wheeled me into the elevator. Brad was holding my hand while shaun and missy pulled the car around and I was very happy to get out of said elevator because not only did it make my nausea worse, but the little bumps at the end didn't feel too nice either. But I made it into the car and we were on our way home!
The car ride only worsened the nausea and it didn't go away until I was laying down in Kristi's bed and taking deep breathes. Brad laid down next to me and held my hand until I fell asleep and was able to rest for a little bit before moving from the bed to the recliner. Missy watched over me while Brad ran and got me all the food I wanted; Soup and a grilled cheese from Zupas and a smoothie from Jamba Juice. He spoils me so much and he waited on me hand a foot the rest of the day, helping me in and out of the chair and making sure I didn't fall over. He gave me plenty of forehead kisses and helped me relax while we binge watched Friends on Netflix for the rest of the day. I was sad when he left, but he had work bright and early and I needed to get some sleep. I was able to keep up on my pain meds for the majority of the night, but because my throat kept making those "honking" sounds from the breathing tube and it would scare me awake. I'm still in a bit of pain and I have a few scars to prove it, but overall it was a positive experience and I hope the endometriosis is gone for good!
The "Before Surgery" picture. Look how happy I look!
This is the "Post Surgery" picture, I'm a lot less happy and all sorts of drugged up haha 

Wednesday, May 20, 2015

No Where to Go But Up

There isn't an exact way to title this post. How do you put into words the emotions that you can't seem to understand yourself? For months now, I have been beating the same metaphorical dead horse and experiencing the same old tiring emotions. Well I'm sick of it. It stops now.
Ever since sophomore year of high school, the topic of my own being was a tricky one.  I was never the stereotype that was often associated with the common dancer or the perfect girl, to be completely honest. Tall blondes with limbs that stretched for miles and miles leaped circles around me while I attempted to keep up.  Then there was me, dark haired and consisting of a height that barely clears 5'0. Not exactly having the perfect body caused me to cast a pretty harsh shadow on myself. Others claimed that I was fine and perfect that way I was, but I never saw it that way.

I've been dragging that shadow with me for almost 6 years now, and it's still not any easier. In fact, each year it grows heavier and heavier, pulling me until the ground until I can't move anymore. It finally became too much and a few weeks ago, I found my self sobbing on my bed alone for hours, not able to take another step. I was exhausted of dragging this ugly monster everywhere, controlling my every thought and draining my spirit. Exhausted of hating myself and not feeling comfortable in my own skin.

Not matter what I did, nothing helped me feel right. Society puts an immense pressure of the outward appearance and I once vowed to never be one of those girls. That girl who has to watch everything she eats and is constantly comparing herself to others who seem to have it right. But I wasn't expecting how hard it would be and there I was, forming completely to mold who is"that girl". Exercise, dieting, and somewhat dangerous lengths to try and change my frame did nothing and I was back to square one.

My surroundings didn't make things any easier. Every one around me seemed to be making these amazing steps in their lives and I was going no where. Engagements, marriages, babies and just about everything else under the sun flooded my social media feeds and everyone seemed to be making progress in their lives, except for me. Even all three of my roommates seemed to be moving forward with developing relationships, and I spent many nights by myself on my couch feeling sorry with myself and asking what was wrong with me. That little shadow quickly morphed into a nasty little monster, sitting on my shoulder and whispering daggers at me. I was questioning my body, my looks, my personality, my faith and everything to my very core and I had never felt more vulnerable that I did at that point in time. My flaws were suddenly ten times bigger and those daggers seemed to hurt more and more every day. "What's wrong with me? What am I doing wrong?" are questions that hung over my head  and I didn't know what to do. I had finally hit rock bottom. HARD.

But I guess that's the one good thing about rock bottom. There is no where else to go but up. 

My sister was familiar with my struggles and suggest a talk by Dieter F. Uchtdorf titled You Matter to Him. While there were many powerful and helpful quotes, this one seemed to make a lasting impression.

" Don't you give up, don't you quit. You keeping walking, you keep trying. There is help and happiness about.... It will be alright in the end. TRUST GOD and believe in good things to come." 

There are still days when every minute seems like an hour and I'm crawling up an never ending mounting.  Those many days where I just want to crawl into a hole and that ugly little monster is still sitting on my shoulder, hurling every insult he's got at me.  I'm still fighting that constant battle of replacing the hate with love and I still have a ways to go.  It's not going to be easy, but I know that I've got God on my side and there are wonderful things in store. I'm not going to give up and I'm not going to quit.  I'll put one foot in front of the other and soon enough, that mountain will be nothing more than an anthill. I just having to keep reminding myself that things will get better and this too shall pass. 

Monday, February 16, 2015

As Claire Would Say, " Be Your Own Bae"

The time has come again where everyone declares their undying love for their other half and those who have yet to find that second half are left to gorge on the mass of Valentines Day chocolate that they have purchased in advance. I fall into the second category, but decided that this year was going to be different, all based on what my good friend Claire said.

" Be your own Bae" 

Forget about all the lovely doveyness that is flying through the air and forget about being miserable because you aren't apart of it. Instead, focus on the ones that you already have around you and most importantly, focus on yourself. Because how can you love someone else if you don't love yourself?  I admit, I am guilty of feeling sorry for myself and giving every couple that walks by me a death glare. So that's why this weekend was crucial in changing my not so very loving attitude. 

Shaydra and I had decided to make a spontaneous trip to Salt Lake City for the day to get out of Logan and just have some girl time. We spent most of the afternoon walking around City Creek then headed over to the temple to take some pictures. We were sitting in front of the reflection pool when I suddenly noticed that Al Fox and her adorable little family were on a walk around the grounds. I started to punch shay's arm and mutter " It's Al Fox! It's Al Fox!". Shays head whipped around and she immediately upped and went to ask for a picture. We both got a couple of pictures with her before they were on their way again and we were left to have a bit of a fan girl moment. After reading her blog and seeing all of her instagram posts, it's cool to see such an iconic figure of my faith in person. We ended the night with dinner and a stop in Ogden for some ice cream at the famous Farr's ice cream store. Nothing very active or complicated, but nice just the same. 

Saturday was the day of Valentines and we decided to take another road trip up the canyon up to Bear Lake. I had never been before and apparently this was a crime, so we jumped in the car and headed bright and early. We headed for the nearest little diner and treated ourselves to a raspberry milkshake for breakfast. I'll admit, it truly was all that it was hyped up to be. We were even pouring raspberry jam straight onto our spoons. That stuff is straight up crack, it's so addicting. Then we headed to the beach where we attempted to skip rocks. It truly was a beautiful morning and it felt good to be laughing with some of my favorite girls. The rest of the day consisted of sleeping, running, chick-fil-a, more sleeping, Dear John, cookie dough, and running up old main in the dead of night. Probably one of the most random Valentine's I've ever had, but also one of my absolute favorites as well.

It may have not been a day covered in roses and giant teddy bears, but I don't care. It was a day for me to get out of my head and spend it with the people that matter the most to me.  That perfect someone will come someday, but until then I'll be my own Bae and that's just fine with me :)


Sunday, November 2, 2014

Within Myself

Introvert-[n., adj. in-truh-vurt; v. in-truh-vurt

a shy person.
Psychology. a person characterized by concern primarily with his or her own thoughts and feelings.

This semester has differed so greatly from previous ones so it has caused me to take a deeper look at my self. I have always been one to shy away and keep to myself, labeling myself as an informal "introvert", but this year has been more extreme than others. Freshman year was such an emotional over load and I  rode that high of experiencing everything new for quite some time. But now I have created a tolerance to this high and reality has come crashing hard down on me. 

A quote often comes to my mind when I find myself suddenly doubting my form of mindset or lifestyle if you like. 

“Originality thrives in seclusion free of outside influences beating upon us to cripple the creative mind. Be alone—that is the secret of invention: be alone, that is when ideas are born.”~ Nikola Tesla

People often see Introverts as antisocial or thinking higher of themselves. I've been called snobbish among other things and what frustrates me most is that that is far from true. I often get overwhelmed because I let my mind run and run and it gets away from me. So I seclude myself and try to harness that frenzy and make some sense of it. I do my best work alone and feel like I am more focused. “As an introvert, you can be your own best friend or your worst enemy. The good news is we generally like our own company, a quality that extroverts often envy. We find comfort in solitude and know how to soothe ourselves.” ~ Laurie Helgoe.I still like to be apart of things, there is just a time and a place for it. Spontaneity is not often my favorite and tends to freak me out a little. I like things planned out and when that goes out the door, that's then I tend to panic. 

I should warn you now, there will be multiple quotes involved. I am indeed an English Major after all. 

There is also another side of Introverts that I don't often like to acknowledge, but I know its true. Crowds, parties, class room discussions, chit chat, anything of that form gives me a small panic attack.I will never take a public speaking class, that's for sure. Anything that draws attention to me, I immediately shy away from. I've danced in front of hundreds of people and that has no effect on me. None what so ever.  My body is doing the talking and I'm with other dancers doing the same thing. I blend in. But when it's direct one on one attention, my heart literally drops to my feet and my tongue goes into a massive knot. I don't know why, but it will probably never go away. Which sucks, but there's not much that I can do about it. 

You may wonder what may have inspired this post and I found a quote that hit it square on the head.
    “An introvert may feel asocial when pressured to go to a party that doesn’t interest her. But for her, the event does not promise meaningful interaction. In fact, she knows that the party will leave her feeling more alone and alienated.” ~ Laurie Helgoe
I honestly cannot say it more perfectly than this. I know myself too well to know what kind of outcome I will experience. This isn't always the case, but the majority of the time it's what happens. 

   “Deep inside, she knew who she was, and that person was smart and kind and often even funny, but somehow her personality always got lost somewhere between her heart and her mouth, and she found herself saying the wrong thing or, more often, nothing at all.” ~ Julia Quinn
But when it all comes down to it, I like being who I am. I was designed to be like this and there is a purpose to it. I just don't see it yet. I'm not saying that it is easy, but I know who I am and what I am capable of. Others may not see it, and may question it, but none of that matters. I find solitude within myself and it is there that I thrive.