No Where to Go But Up

There isn't an exact way to title this post. How do you put into words the emotions that you can't seem to understand yourself? For months now, I have been beating the same metaphorical dead horse and experiencing the same old tiring emotions. Well I'm sick of it. It stops now.
Ever since sophomore year of high school, the topic of my own being was a tricky one.  I was never the stereotype that was often associated with the common dancer or the perfect girl, to be completely honest. Tall blondes with limbs that stretched for miles and miles leaped circles around me while I attempted to keep up.  Then there was me, dark haired and consisting of a height that barely clears 5'0. Not exactly having the perfect body caused me to cast a pretty harsh shadow on myself. Others claimed that I was fine and perfect that way I was, but I never saw it that way.

I've been dragging that shadow with me for almost 6 years now, and it's still not any easier. In fact, each year it grows heavier and heavier, pulling me until the ground until I can't move anymore. It finally became too much and a few weeks ago, I found my self sobbing on my bed alone for hours, not able to take another step. I was exhausted of dragging this ugly monster everywhere, controlling my every thought and draining my spirit. Exhausted of hating myself and not feeling comfortable in my own skin.

Not matter what I did, nothing helped me feel right. Society puts an immense pressure of the outward appearance and I once vowed to never be one of those girls. That girl who has to watch everything she eats and is constantly comparing herself to others who seem to have it right. But I wasn't expecting how hard it would be and there I was, forming completely to mold who is"that girl". Exercise, dieting, and somewhat dangerous lengths to try and change my frame did nothing and I was back to square one.

My surroundings didn't make things any easier. Every one around me seemed to be making these amazing steps in their lives and I was going no where. Engagements, marriages, babies and just about everything else under the sun flooded my social media feeds and everyone seemed to be making progress in their lives, except for me. Even all three of my roommates seemed to be moving forward with developing relationships, and I spent many nights by myself on my couch feeling sorry with myself and asking what was wrong with me. That little shadow quickly morphed into a nasty little monster, sitting on my shoulder and whispering daggers at me. I was questioning my body, my looks, my personality, my faith and everything to my very core and I had never felt more vulnerable that I did at that point in time. My flaws were suddenly ten times bigger and those daggers seemed to hurt more and more every day. "What's wrong with me? What am I doing wrong?" are questions that hung over my head  and I didn't know what to do. I had finally hit rock bottom. HARD.

But I guess that's the one good thing about rock bottom. There is no where else to go but up. 

My sister was familiar with my struggles and suggest a talk by Dieter F. Uchtdorf titled You Matter to Him. While there were many powerful and helpful quotes, this one seemed to make a lasting impression.

" Don't you give up, don't you quit. You keeping walking, you keep trying. There is help and happiness about.... It will be alright in the end. TRUST GOD and believe in good things to come." 

There are still days when every minute seems like an hour and I'm crawling up an never ending mounting.  Those many days where I just want to crawl into a hole and that ugly little monster is still sitting on my shoulder, hurling every insult he's got at me.  I'm still fighting that constant battle of replacing the hate with love and I still have a ways to go.  It's not going to be easy, but I know that I've got God on my side and there are wonderful things in store. I'm not going to give up and I'm not going to quit.  I'll put one foot in front of the other and soon enough, that mountain will be nothing more than an anthill. I just having to keep reminding myself that things will get better and this too shall pass. 


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