Within Myself

Introvert-[n., adj. in-truh-vurt; v. in-truh-vurt] 

noun

1.

a shy person.

2.

Psychology. a person characterized by concern primarily with his or her own thoughts and feelings.

This semester has differed so greatly from previous ones so it has caused me to take a deeper look at my self. I have always been one to shy away and keep to myself, labeling myself as an informal "introvert", but this year has been more extreme than others. Freshman year was such an emotional over load and I  rode that high of experiencing everything new for quite some time. But now I have created a tolerance to this high and reality has come crashing hard down on me. 

A quote often comes to my mind when I find myself suddenly doubting my form of mindset or lifestyle if you like. 

“Originality thrives in seclusion free of outside influences beating upon us to cripple the creative mind. Be alone—that is the secret of invention: be alone, that is when ideas are born.”~ Nikola Tesla

People often see Introverts as antisocial or thinking higher of themselves. I've been called snobbish among other things and what frustrates me most is that that is far from true. I often get overwhelmed because I let my mind run and run and it gets away from me. So I seclude myself and try to harness that frenzy and make some sense of it. I do my best work alone and feel like I am more focused. “As an introvert, you can be your own best friend or your worst enemy. The good news is we generally like our own company, a quality that extroverts often envy. We find comfort in solitude and know how to soothe ourselves.” ~ Laurie Helgoe.I still like to be apart of things, there is just a time and a place for it. Spontaneity is not often my favorite and tends to freak me out a little. I like things planned out and when that goes out the door, that's then I tend to panic. 

I should warn you now, there will be multiple quotes involved. I am indeed an English Major after all. 

There is also another side of Introverts that I don't often like to acknowledge, but I know its true. Crowds, parties, class room discussions, chit chat, anything of that form gives me a small panic attack.I will never take a public speaking class, that's for sure. Anything that draws attention to me, I immediately shy away from. I've danced in front of hundreds of people and that has no effect on me. None what so ever.  My body is doing the talking and I'm with other dancers doing the same thing. I blend in. But when it's direct one on one attention, my heart literally drops to my feet and my tongue goes into a massive knot. I don't know why, but it will probably never go away. Which sucks, but there's not much that I can do about it. 

You may wonder what may have inspired this post and I found a quote that hit it square on the head.

    “An introvert may feel asocial when pressured to go to a party that doesn’t interest her. But for her, the event does not promise meaningful interaction. In fact, she knows that the party will leave her feeling more alone and alienated.” ~ Laurie Helgoe

I honestly cannot say it more perfectly than this. I know myself too well to know what kind of outcome I will experience. This isn't always the case, but the majority of the time it's what happens. 

   “Deep inside, she knew who she was, and that person was smart and kind and often even funny, but somehow her personality always got lost somewhere between her heart and her mouth, and she found herself saying the wrong thing or, more often, nothing at all.” ~ Julia Quinn

But when it all comes down to it, I like being who I am. I was designed to be like this and there is a purpose to it. I just don't see it yet. I'm not saying that it is easy, but I know who I am and what I am capable of. Others may not see it, and may question it, but none of that matters. I find solitude within myself and it is there that I thrive.